That One Book
Every now and then, a book comes along that really speaks to you and holds its value through the ages. The first such book for me was Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand. Rand’s poetic verse justified a higher morality of mind and spirit that was free from conventional judgement. For a young nerd, Objectivism validated my self worth and laid the seed for going on strike from aerospace by becoming a blogger. Who is John Galt anyway?
As I aged and the tides of change refined the shorelines of my spirit, I found my second foundation book – The Game by Neil Strauss. It was about a decade ago. I was recently divorced and fascinated by the process of picking up women when this book found me. The age old advice of “be yourself” doesn’t always work when you’re both a nerd and a hick. I am a physicist so give me a formula and I can replicate it to the nth degree. The Game was just that. A playbook for pick up artists (PUA) wrapped in a fascinating first person story.
It turns out a reasonably competent writer with a decent job can do just fine in online dating and pretty soon, my dance card was filled. Skirting around the depths of my depravity, I will say this. If you date enough women, you will meet someone who will sweep you off your feet. That person, for me, was Jenn. I lent The Game away to a friend in need and moved on to my new reality.
Fast forward to the present and our preparations for TBEX…… Jenn has been giving me pointers on socialization and basically not being a dork. Listen more. Talk Less. After a local San Diego meetup, we realized it was high time for a cram session to get ready for TBEX Huntsville.
I kept equating meeting brands and bloggers to PUA lingo, the only coherent set of socialization I have learned in my life besides the scientific method and technical peer reviews which, frankly, don’t work well with the general public. Jenn agreed and actually purchased a copy of The Game off of Amazon for my TBEX review. The parallels are so clear and apparent, I feel it is worthwhile to share. Besides, I am too busy doing my TBEX cramming to write another article this week.
The Pivotal Moment
The Game opens describing Neil’s early love life, which sounded surprisingly familiar. He had a few awkward encounters but never understood women. Very soon, his life history and mine diverge. I met a crazy woman who, for all her faults, busted me free from the confines of Ohio and set me on my current trajectory. Neil’s turning point was when he became a New York Times reporter.
It wasn’t road tours with Marilyn Manson or Motley Crew that changed him. It was an assignment to interview Mystery, the most renowned PUA of the time. Mystery broke down his methods to a specific set of rules that anybody could apply. Suddenly, the language of human interaction could be understood in the left hemisphere of the brain
Possessing all Five Six Characteristics of the Alpha Male
The Mystery Method called for all aspiring PUA’s to become alpha males. One of his early PUA lessons was how to possess the five characteristics of an alpha male. After all, it was alpha males who enjoyed the spoils of the hunt first. He called out six characteristics of alpha males in his excitement and general ADD personality:
- Confidence
- Smile
- Well-groomed
- Sense of humor
- Connecting with people
- Being seen as the social center of the room
I am sure that the first five characteristics could lead to the sixth but I don’t think I will have the oomph to pull this one off by TBEX. The first five will have to do for me.
Basic PUA Tactics
During Neil’s first weekend with Mystery, he learned even more of PUA theory and even took it for a test ride. The thirteen steps to “the approach” look something like this:
- Smile when you enter a room
- Recite a memorized opener
- The opener should open the group, not just the target
- Neg the target
- Convey personality to the entire group so you become the center of attention
- Neg the target again
- Ask the group, “So, how does everyone know each other?”
- If the target is available, begin your approach
- Isolate the target from the group
- Go to the next level of conversations
- Ask for more personal information (one indicator of interest (IOI))
- Stop talking (if she continues it’s a second IOI)
- Kiss Close
Neg and Neg again? For those not fluent in the language of PUA here is Mysteries’ definition of negging–
Negs are intended to be false-disqualifiers and are intended to lower the target’s comparative value to the seducer. Specifically, they are not meant to sound like insults – instead, they’re meant to resemble the comments of a person who does not view the target as having high value.
In his television interview with The View, Neil Strauss explains that some men will demonstrate disinterest by passively ignoring a woman; but since she doesn’t notice him, she won’t know that he is disinterested. Therefore the purpose of the neg is to actively demonstrate disinterest by disqualifying one’s self as a suitor (“It’s too bad I’m gay or you’d be so my type”), or by falsely disqualifying the target (“Do you know why you and I will never get along…?”).
According to the method, a proper neg never makes the target feel insulted or degraded, but rather questions whether the man approaching her has fallen under her spell. Women of particular beauty often tend to assume males approaching them are interested in them solely as a result of their looks, and negs attempt to neutralize that assumption by demonstrating that the man is not (yet) interested in her, despite her beauty. A successful neg will make the target feel self-conscious and attempt to regain control of the situation by qualifying herself.
Perhaps all of these steps are not appropriate for TBEX. I am one for old fashion business decorum, but there is an underlying pattern for the approach that makes sense. Now that you know what a neg is, can you guess what the Kiss Close is?
Timing is Everything
The Mystery Method is filled with all kinds of timing gates to keep socialization normal. In my nerd world, this is probably my biggest weakness. I am bad at reading social cues and always out of sync with the room. In roughly chronological order, here are the cues PUAs look for:
- Three second rule: The point of the 3 second rule is to encourage you to approach women fast enough to keep your internal voice from talking you out of it and to avoid hesitation
- Solid opening lines
- 10 minutes of small talk
- Three indicators of interest to phase shift: This could be asking to change locations or asking for a contact
- Seven hour rule. It takes seven hours of combined interaction to for a woman to, well you know… Turns out this is true for building trust in almost any relationship with any goal
Some time after you have three IOI’s and before seven hours you might try the Kiss Close. It goes something like this. You ask – Do you want me to kiss you? There are three possible answers. No, yes or say nothing. A no gives you another chance for a neg – “I wasn’t asking to kiss you. I thought you wanted to kiss me”. Yes or no answer is the same – you kiss them.
Again, I hope the only person I kiss at TBEX is Jenn, and I would be real careful before I break out a neg but somehow, it seems better to ask for a kiss instead of simply moving in and I am sure there is a parallel there to networking game. It may be as simple as asking for the business card/ asking permission to contact in the future.
The Rise of Style
The Game is more than a pickup manual. It’s a story of personal transformation. The nerdy and shy Neil Strauss had met the larger than life Mystery. I think Neil is a bit self effacing in his book. He was a writer from the Bahamas and quickly became Mystery’s wingman, so there was probably more to his natural game than he lets on. After a whirlwind tour of Eastern Europe and other PUA workshops, Neil and Mystery settled into opening a quasi permanent PUA school in LA – Project Hollywood. They rented Dean Martin’s old house in Hollywood Hills and then the game was afoot. Neil was becoming his alter ego– Style.
Style was living the American Dream. He was embedded in La La land, picking up women every night, schmoozing with celebrities like Tom Cruise and Courtney Love and helping men get out of their own way. The PUA theory he was teaching seems to tie directly into, not only what I want to do at TBEX but who I want to be. Here are some of PUA terms from the glossary of The Game that I want to put into my TBEX toolbox (yes, the book has a glossary). For the sake of this piece and networking in general, you can easily replace “Woman” in these definitions with “Brands” or “Bloggers” and game theory immediately applies.

Game Pieces
- AMOG [Alpha Male of the Group] – Nuf said
- Calibrate – to read the verbal and nonverbal responses of a person or group and accurately deduce what they are thinking or feeling at that moment.
- Crash and Burn – to be directly, and often rudely, rejected or turned away by a women or group one has just approached.
- DHV [Demonstrate Higher Value] – a routine in which the pickup artist displays a skill or an attribute that raises his worth or appeal in the estimation of a woman or group
- Elicit Values – to draw out, through conversation, what is important to a person, usually with the intention of reaching a deep inner desire that motivates them.
- Flake – an occurrence in which a woman cancels or does not sup up to a planned meeting.
- Fluff – to make mundane small talk, typically between two people who have just met; common subjects include where one live, what one does for work and general interests and hobbies.
- Frame – the context within which a person, thing, event, or environment is perceived.
- Group Theory – The idea that women are usually accompanied by friends, and to meet her a man must simultaneously win the approval of her friends while actively demonstrating a lack of interest in her.
- Hook Point – the moment in a pickup when a woman (or a group) decides that she enjoys the company of a man who has recently approached her.
- IOI [indicator of interest] – a sign a woman gives a man that indirectly reveals she is attracted to or interested in him.
- Manage Expectations – to let a woman know before sleeping with her roughly how committed a relationship one intends to have with her. Model – to observe and imitate the behavior of another person, typically someone who possesses a trait or skill one wishes to acquire
- Number (card) Close – to obtain a correct phone number from a woman.
- One-itis – an obsession with a girl whom one is not dating.
- Opener – a statement, question, or story used to initiate a conversation with a stranger or group of strangers.
- Pawn – to approach and talk to one group of people in order to meet a woman or group adjacent to it.
- Peacock – to dress in loud clothing or with flashy accouterments in order to get attention from women.
- Routine – a story, scripted conversation demonstration of skill, or other piece of prepared material intended to initiate, maintain or advance an interaction with a woman or her group.
- SOI [Show of Interest] – a direct comment intended to let a woman know that one is attracted to or impressed with her.
- Stale – an occurrence in which the phone number of a woman is no longer an effective means of making plans with her, usually because too much time has lapsed between interactions and the woman has lost interest.
- Sub-communication – an impression, message, or effect created by a person’s mannerisms, dress, or general presence; an indirect, nonverbal form of communication generally perceived better by women than men.
- Target – the woman in a group whom the pickup artist desires and s running game on.
- Time Constraint – to tell a woman or a group of people that it is necessary to leave them soon.
- Yes-Ladder – a persuasion technique in which a person is asked a series of basic questions designed to elicit positive answers, increasing the likelihood that the person will also respond in the affirmative to a final, open ended question.
SEO, RSD and the Fall of Project Hollywood
It wasn’t always sugar drops and roses in the house where pickup dreams are born. Surprisingly, (or maybe not so much so) the crazies started to literally come out of the closet. The house was filled to capacity and Real Social Dynamics (RSD) branch of the PUA community was housing their students in the unused closet space.
The de facto head of the household RSD group called himself Tyler Durden a la Fight Club. Neil describes Tyler Durden this way – “Human interaction to him (Tyler) was a program. Behavior was determined by frames and congruence and state and validation and other big-chunk psychological principles.” Tyler formed his concepts of RSD by social deconstruction, that is, breaking down social interaction to its core components and studying their effect.
The RSD approach feels very familiar to my personal endeavors, no matter how much I try to be nature. Not just with women, but every social situation. Eventually, people come up to me and tell me I’m weird. I can’t even deny it. I usually just ask them how long it took them to figure it so I can score my faking skills. More often than not, they said they knew it right away, but I’d like to think I’m better than that.
RSD and social deconstruction feel like I’m bringing in too much heat for day to day communications and TBEX. I am trying hard to get out of my head and out of my own way when go out in public. However, they seem like the perfect tools for SEO research. Market research on link traffic, keywords and social shares feels exactly like social deconstruction, only with a set of SEO tools to help you out. Perhaps this is why SEO research feels so natural to me and definitely a subject for a future post.
Endgame
Filling Project Hollywood with a rabid bunch of PUA’s was an unsustainable paradigm for Neil. The group dynamics ebbed and flowed (but more ebbed) and, perhaps just as important, the drug of picking up women was starting to wear off.
The final pages of The Game include this gem of parting wisdom, “We were all searching outside ourselves for our missing pieces, and we were all looking in the wrong direction. Instead of finding ourselves, we’d lost our sense of self. Mystery didn’t have the answers. A blonde 10 in a two-set at the Standard (another PUA from Project Hollywood) didn’t have the answers. The answers were to be found within, To win the game was to leave it.”
I felt this way when I met Jenn (who is also coincidentally a blonde). I was ready to leave the game and start looking inward. Maybe not too far inward since we knew even then that we were going to travel the world, but I was ready to have a best friend and confidant to explore with. I was ready to experience all of reality instead of just the carnal and social pleasures. Maybe, just maybe I can take a few of my old tools with me. Maybe I can channel my inner Style at TBEX but if you see me acting strange, be nice. I’m just a nerd and a hick after all. Just give me the honest answer on how long I was able to fool you 😉
Checkmate
What parts of The Game am I packing in my networking arsenal for TBEX? The book chapters summarize how to use the skill that the glossary puts out.
- Select a Target: Use the three second rule so I don’t talk myself out of meeting all the power bloggers and big brands in person.
- Approach and Open: Game theory says we should look for an opening. Maybe use group theory to embed ourselves near a target. Maybe we look to use a previously established relationship as a pawn to open up the set.Once we are near the target we’ll need solid opening lines or an opener, in business this is called the elevator speech. Per UC Davis – “An elevator speech is a clear, brief message or “commercial” about you. It communicates who you are, what you’re looking for and how you can benefit a company or organization. It’s typically about 30 seconds, the time it takes people to ride from the top to the bottom of a building in an elevator.” We will need to calibrate to find out about the social pace of TBEX. Are we expected to have 10 minutes of small talk where we pitch fluff and try to elicit three IOI before we phase shift? I honestly don’t know but I would start with base game theory and adapt. At a minimum, we just upgraded our business cards to Moo with 50 different photos on them so we can peacock a little.
- Demonstrate Value: Time to DHV with our routine. Before TBEX we are building a press kit for exactly this reason. The Wikipedia definition is “A press kit, often referred to as a media kit in business environments, is a pre-packaged set of promotional materials that provide information about a person, company, organization or cause and which is distributed to members of the media for promotional use.” I’ll be better off using Jenn as my wingman to read the sub-communication since, I am probably somewhere on the spectrum.
- Disarm the Obstacles: This is where we elicit values from our target. What are their needs / wants and what can we do to meet these needs. We will need to do a lot of framing to match our product to elicit values to overcome the obvious obstacle of low numbers.
- Isolate the Target: Are we in a location where we can actually make a deal? If not, we should create a time constraint and number close. The last thing we would want is to crash and burn because we didn’t calibrate.
- Create an Emotional Connection: We are now looking to fulfil the seven hour rule. Maybe it will not take the full seven hours in business but, between emails and negotiations and logistics it will come close. Another way to look at this is even if you get a link exchange, retweet or press trip, if you don’t follow up and get to seven hours, you will not have made that all important emotional connection.
Extract to a Seduction Location- Pump Buying Temperature: Go ahead and build a yes-ladder. Drop SOI and continue to elicit values. Most off all, calibrate, calibrate, calibrate so you know when you reach the hook point.
Make a Physical Connection- Blast Last Minute Resistance: Close the dang deal. Don’t be a flake.
- Manage Expectation: Why do you manage expectations? It keeps that all important emotional connection you worked to create going after the deal. You make sure that everybody knows what you are going to deliver and you make sure you deliver it. You keep in touch so your new friend / contact doesn’t go stale. You also need to manage your own personal expectations. If you do crash and burn, don’t give up and fall into one-itis. There is another brand / blogger waiting around the bend.
Thus completes my remedial socialization training for TBEX. I can be an AMOG and not a wallflower (more of a mantra than a statement of fact). At least I have refreshed basic PUA tactics and timing. I just need to gather my game pieces and get ready to play. Jenn says that most normal people don’t think this hard about socialization but I have been to any number of business training seminars that teach these specific skills. In my honest opinion, none of them were as entertaining as The Game.
I’ve heard of this book! Quite interesting in how to approach others. The “neg” is quite interesting. I’m not sure what I would say that would be a negative but not an insult at the same time. Love to hear how the tips work for networking!
The neg is probably the most ubiquitous part of game theory because it’s counter intuitive and often messed up. The Lebron James Sprite commercials are a neg of sorts (I wouldn’t tell you to drink Sprite). Another example is to act disinterested in a sales negotiation (like buying a car) so the price doesn’t go up.
I have to say this is quite a leap in my mind. I’m obviously a bit different but the idea of breaking down social interactions, particularly with women into vocab and structures and rules makes me very confused. And now you’re going to apply this to TBEX? Sometimes I wish my brain was more organized so I’ll have to see a pro go and do his thing here. Have you been to TBEX before Ed? Do you find that it’s worthwhile for your time? I’m just curious because I’ve never been before.
I was afraid of that I wasn’t communicating clearly with the ties between PUA skill set and business interaction. I re-worked the Check Mate section to beef up the connection. I took each basic PUA tactic from the book chapters (really a repeat of the Mystery Method but clearer) and fleshed them out with the timing section and game pieces to actually apply to a TBEX / Business interaction. If you get a chance, I would love for you to re-read this section and see if the edit closes the gaps. I don’t think I would call me a pro. It’s just that I have a hard time NOT breaking down social interaction into vocab and structures. I am definitely left brain dominant.
This is our first TBEX. Jenn did WIT in Irvine last year. It was a month into blogging so there was a lot of deer-in-headlight going on. We just did some work with a WIT so the connections are definitely real and valuable. We learned a lot too.
OK, I think I got lost in this post. All I know is I been to TBEX, did very well there and I be going again later this year. 😛
So people are just natural social animals. It always amazes me what people can do that I struggle with.
I haven’t heard of this book before. It seems very interesting, though. I also believe that socialization is very important to growing as a person, as well the ability to communicate with the others. I definitely need and will read this book.
It’s a fun and easy read and I would recommend it to anybody. It ‘s a fascinating character study if nothing else.
An interesting way to look at the game. A book I have yet to read but wouldn’t mind exploring. Do u think these tactics will really work in a business manner tho at Tbex?
I think it’s the same set of rules for any social situation. There might be different faux pas and objectives but people are people. Demonstrating value, building relationships and closing deals is pretty much the cornerstone of business.
I have never heard of this book, but it is interesting to see how you plan to apply what you learned to TBEX social networking event. I’m not great in making “casual” small talks. If you see any success in this, let me know (or maybe write a follow-up post)!! This will help me a lot 😀
We’ll give you the low down on TBEX for sure. Good to know I am not the only one with issues making small talk. At least I have Jenn to cover for me.
an interesting piece. I am not good at large conferences (though I haven’t been to TBEX I have been to Traverse and will be going again this year). I might just use your formula there and see if it works for me.
Please let me know if any of this works at Traverse. I am always excited by more data, even if it doesn’t agree with my hypothesis.
So much tips here I need more time to digest all these information!
I would start with a press kit, elevator speech and a box of business cards. That’s the condensed version 😉
It sounds a bit complicated, but I’ve heard good things about this book elsewhere too. I think it might some time to get my head round, but thank you for the tips.
I have a way of over complicating things. For example, I never understood grammar during high school when teachers would say – just read it and what sounds right. It wasn’t until technical writing class for engineers until things started to make sense to me. We would diagram sentences and lay out grammar rules in a logical fashion. Thanks for reading it.
We use and see others use “negging” in our everyday lives- I had no idea it had a technical term until I read this. I have a business degree and my school put a huge emphasis on networking, public speaking, interviewing, etc. Despite all that, I’m still horrible at mingling and dislike the idea of it because it can feel so disingenuous. It sounds like you’ve really prepared yourself for the upcoming TBEX, Ed. I’d like to hear about your experience after you guys return.
You seem like you would be a lot of fun, especially with a drink or two. It’s hard to imagine that you would have any difficulty mingling. We’ll definitely let you know how TBEX was.
Wow, that was a lot of stuff relating to personal experiences, PUA and other strange new lingo to me and then attaching it to TBEX which I didn’t get at first but now I understand. That was strange but cool at the same time – the main and easy aspect of TBEX is that you are also dealing with people of like mind and are passionate about the world of travel and you don’t really have to put up with silly banter to establish connections.
I am glad that you stuck with the article Noel. I have found it easier to talk with travel bloggers than any other group of people. It helps that we have a shared passion in travel and similar experiences with blogging. Still, I am always nervous before big social events. I think you’re right that everything will be ok.
WHOA this is intense! Thanks so much for breaking all of this down!! I wish I was headed to TBEX this year so I could’ve had the chance to meet you all. I’m using all of your pointers for “networking” or “socializing” this weekend at another blogging conference in Philly! Can’t wait to read your next post if you do one about TBEX and everything you both learned/experienced!
We have been getting a lot of requests to do a follow up article on TBEX so that is definitely in the works. You should let us know if any of this helps in Philly. I am sure we’ll meet in real life soon enough.
That’s an interesting and detailed breakdown of how you view networking in such an event as TBEX. I’ve been to the conference twice and must admit that I haven’t been that strategic. This inspires me to reassess.
I am nothing if not strategic. You’ll have to check in for the update to see if they actually work.
Sounds like are prepared for TBEX Huntsville – good luck! I’m interested to hear about your experience. And I’m sorry I won’t be there to meet you and see you in action 🙂
I am sure we’ll meet in person soon enough. This is a pretty small community. Until that day, thanks for checking out the story and I’ll let you know how it went.
That’s an interesting parallel – I don’t think I’ve heard about the book before, but I love the concept. I’ll need to look into it! I hope TBEX goes well, looking forward to hearing more about it!
I am sure we’ll put up another personal piece about our first TBEX and let you know how it goes. The good thing is that we are a team and Jenn is considerably more social than I am. However, I kick ass at the where does this Pinterest pin belong game.
What an interesting concept about The Game and applying to TBEX as well as blogging and network. It can be awkward meeting people. My travel buddy has social anxiety so it can be challenging for her to meet new people since she gets nervous really easily. So I am learning and becoming open minded for people who have trouble with social interaction and developing emotional connections. I try my best to make the experience easier for others who faced this challenges. Anyway, hope you have a great time at TBEX.
It’s always good to consider where people are coming from and make the world a little easier. I don’t know if I have social anxiety per se but I can sympathize with it. Thanks for stopping by and reading the piece.
This is a completely new approach for me, new words, new tactics. I guess I am just not that deliberate with my approach and behavior. I am sure I could definitely benefit from The Game, personally and professionally. Thanks Ed (and Jenn) for broadening my horizon and teaching me something new today 🙂
You’re welcome. Thanks for stopping by.
Really interesting – so glad you’ve been able to draw your inspiration from the Game to apply more broadly for professional networking at TBEX 🙂 I find these kind of books often have tips and strategies which can be applied more broadly even though it’s been written with a specific topic in mind 🙂 All the best!
The author Neil Strauss actually says how the social theories worked for him in many fields of life. He credits a lot of his successes from the lessons he learned from PUA theory.
I never heard of that book before – so interesting how you integrate it into TBEX reality. I have been to some of the events around Europe and Asia, but the one in the US would definitely be interesting to attend as well! It is always great to meet other people passionate about the same subject.
Funny how the most “interesting” place seems to always be what is furthest from you. We would love to go to TBEX Europe or Asia and have been following the stories from the bloggers who went with envious attention. The US TBEX secured its place on the schedule because it was close and easy. Perspective is everything.
It’s funny that we’re not taught these networking and social skills in a structured way (aka, in classes in school) in the States. These are probably some of the most important skills you can have, and there isn’t much emphasis on developing them. This book sounds like a great resource for breaking down how to meet people and network in an effective and responsible way. Will have to check it out!
It’s funny what’s not taught in school – balancing your checkbook, avoiding credit card debt, maintaining healthy relationships… The list goes on. I would teach networking and any of these things before common core math and the dreaded root and stem graph. Let us know what you think and come back for the update on how it goes.
This is anew book to me, seems like a must read one to improve social networking skills. I will watch out for this to improve on mine.
TBEX sure is a way to bond with fellow bloggers.
It would be a fascinating cultural study for you for sure.